Our little fighters

Well today is the day that we were going to get the results of the embryos. I've got to admit that I was nervous all week. I literally prayed every day and Mikie kept noticing that I just wasn't myself this week. I had our baby embryos on my mind so hard but I didn't want to stress him. He has so much going on with his work that I didn't want to add to his stress. I tried to stay busy at work all day today. I kept leaving my office in the afternoon to do a few things and I gave my cell phone to another lady. I asked her to answer the phone if it said the doctors office. I was right outside the office looking in a file cabinet and she yelled my name. I ran into the office and answered my phone. I was shaking...
It was Vanessa and I could tell by her voice that she was nervous. She told me that out of 13 embryos we only had 6 survive. Once she got the news out she was fine. I think she was scared to tell me because she knew I would be disappointed. She told me that Dr. Kim was very pleased with our results. Once we talked about the embryos she told me to call the office when I start my period. I hung up the phone and had to fight back the tears. I was in total shock because the first time around we had so many survive. Now I have to stress how many will survive the chromosome testing. When I was on the phone with the nurse and I heard her tone of voice and it was a flash back to the mornings she would call to tell me that I wasn't pregnant. I began to text a few people and I got to the point where I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I went into the bathroom at work and just cried my heart out. Mikie didn't answer the phone and I sent him a text message. He called me a few minutes later and he was so worried about me. He told me how excited he was that we had 6. He always knows what exactly to say to me. I was shocked at how happy he was with the results because part of my pain was for him. He gets discouraged so easy with our fertility stuff and he always blames himself. I hate that he blames himself because even though the issue is with his sperm we are a team and we aren't pointing fingers. I know that there are couples who end up with no embryos and I know that it only takes one to get pregnant.....but after all that we've gone through it is just hard to realized we lost more than half of the embryos. And just like a friend who is a surrogate mother told me "Even though those embryos weren't really babies they were in a sense and you feel the lost." I was in too much of shock to ask the nurse the grade of the embryos. I sent her an email through the portal site and she called me back. She said they grade their embryos by Good, Fair, and poor. Out of our 6 baby Fishers we have 4 Good and 2 Fair. I was so excited to hear that. In the past I've prayed but I haven't had the faith to let God do his job. During this past week I've been listening to KSBJ (my friend who is also going through IVF really encouraged me to) and as you know I have a long commute to work. On the way to work I jam out and really talk to God. I've really asked him to keep giving me the strength to push through. I've really tried to lean on my faith instead of stressing myself out.

Today reality really hit me....I'm ready for our transfer but I don't know if I'm ready to face a failed transfer again. I'm staying positive and praying that God chooses one of this six embryos to be our baby.....but you still have to prepare for the worse. I do have to say that every time we've hit rock bottom I tell myself that we aren't going to give up. I don't care how much time or money it takes we are going to keep pushing through. Eventually though money runs out and your body can only handle so much. I'm asking all of you to pray for these embryos to be healthy and pass the chromosome test. We don't care what gender we end up with or how many we end up with as long as we get 1 Good quality.  And just like my friend said as well  "While science isn't 100% perfect it can still do some pretty amazing things" She is right and like we know God created those scientist and he can create miracles.

So now we wait for my cycle to start and wait for the embryos to come back from testing. I'm going to keep my head up high and remind myself that we only need one. Soon enough we will hopefully be holding our miracle baby in our arms....until then we will continue to pray. Again we appreciate all of your support and prayers. We have the best support system ever and biggest supporter up above!