Not much has Changed...Still Waiting

Not much has changed but wanted to post a blog....

Last Sunday I went to see my man Luke Bryan at the Houston Rodeo. If you know me then you know how much I love Luke Bryan. Yes people talk about how country isn't country anymore. What people don't realize is that we live in a world that is constantly changing. The style of clothes, music, cars, etc. Nothing is how it use to be. The country singers have to change up their songs to fit in this world of change. Anyways, I love what a Godly man Luke is. He loves his fans and is so down to earth...not to mention he is a cutie. He puts on the best concerts too. Out of 76,000 people, I happen to sit next to a girl who I recognized. I did not know her personally but she is friends with my two best friends. I started talking to her and she said "Are you the one with a blog?" And I said "Yes" We continued to talk during the rodeo part and man what a small world it is. She knew alot of the same people I did from Sealy. Her little girl was just as crazy about Luke as I was. It was so cute. I sent a text to my friend to tell her who I met and how she asked about my blog. She said "See you have so many supporters that you don't even know" She is correct. I love having such amazing people who support and pray for us. While I was walking out of the rodeo there was this little girl with her dad. Little girl says "Lets go find him" Dad "Where is he?" She said "Dad he is wearing a blue shirt and he is down there (pointing to the stage)" It melted my heart to hear this conversation and to see how this dad took his little girl alone to see Luke Bryan. All I could think about is how that could be Mikie and our little girl. One he would kill me for getting her into Luke Bryan lol but I could see him on a Daddy/Daughter date. I can't help but notice all the little girls with their dad. I know Mikie is going to make such a great dad. He will finally see how a little girl loves their dad. He use to give me a hard time for being a Daddys girl because I am so close to my Dad. My Dad is a hard working man who loves me so much and one little look can get me my way with him any day. Ha! Mikie never understood it until later on. Then when our little niece came in the picture he told me he completely understood why I was the way I was with my dad.

Earlier this week I shared an article about my fertility doctor to Jade. I'm so proud to say that Dr. Kim is our fertility doctor. I cannot wait until Jade and him meet. I know she will love him. She commented on the article saying "Asian smarty pants" lol.

Jade still hasn't started her period! :/ She went to the doctor and got a blood test to make sure she wasn't pregnant. She isn't and I think between her exercise routine and stressing over starting has delayed it. She was given a prescription to make her start. She still hasn't started yet. I want her to start so she can get her blood work but I'm not letting it stress me. I found out last week that the therapist cannot get us in until April 17th. She is going to do all the appointments together. She will do Jade's evaluation, meet with Mikie and I and then we all four meet together. We changed a few things on the contract and I should hear back from my lawyer this week to look at the changes. The contract is the most crucial part because you have to have it finalized 14 days prior to transfer. You don't have to have the evaluation done in any certain time frame according to our donor nurse. I never realized how much it takes to prepare for a surrogacy route. I always thought you picked a carrier, did a contract, blood work, and then start. Boy was I wrong! We will have our transfer day before we know it. It's already been a month since we decided to go this route. Time passes fast.

Mikie and I were talking to some friends this weekend about our journey. I have a couple of pictures of Jade on my phone. I pulled one up to show them and Mikie took my phone and said with a big smile "Look at my little Asian mommy" I love seeing him get so excited about our next chaoter.

I kept my little niece over the weekend. We've been babysitting her since she was 6 months old and she just turned 2 in January. We haven't had her for a weekend in a little over a month or more. Her Nana from Missouri was down for a month and then we had our transfer. She was so excited to see me on Friday when I picked her up. We got to the shop to see Mikie and she said "Mikie go clean your hands now and hold me" Demanding? Yes! But she has both wrapped around her finger. I was so proud of myself this weekend. I took her to two Easter Events this weekend that involved nothing but kids and their parents. It takes alot for someone with fertility issues to put their self in those situations. I did it and didn't get sad. I guess all my attention was on her and I didn't have time to think about anything else. We went to a place right outside of town called Blessington Farm. They have hay rides, hay maze, easter egg hunt, slides, strawberry picking, and lots more. She had a blast! Today we took her to our park where a church put on a big Easter Egg Extravaganza. For our small town there sure we're a ton of people there. She enjoyed the little bunnies they had for the kids to pet. She did not enjoy the Easter Bunny because she is scared of him. Overall we had a pretty good weekend.

Tomorrow starts another week. Who knows what the week will bring. I want to thank everyone again for the continued prayers and support. We are so lucky to have you all following our journey! Hope you all have a fabulous week.

Here are a few pictures from the past week

Selfie on the way to Luke Bryan

Love me some Luke Bryan 

My favorite picture to show off of Jade! Our Asian Mommy as Mikie says. Lol 

Auntie and her love bug on the Hay ride

We must lay on top of Chopper with ALL of our babies

Always styling with Auntie 

Hay maze 

Long Week...

Its been a long week since my last post........

On Friday, March 6th Mikie and I had our appointment to do our "donor evaluation". We had to get 4 vials of blood drawn, give a urine sample, and get physicals. You know we all have that one fear in life that makes us so scared. The one fear my husband has is needles. He doesn't like needles one bit. It's not that the needles hurt, its the thought of being poked. He was very anxious in the waiting room and he was ready to walk out of the doctor's office. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I told him this was my only time that I ever get to see him scared of something. The nurses all know how he is when it comes to needles. I have to admit that I'm not as scared of needles anymore but I do get a little nervous inside. All year long I've only been getting one vial of blood drawn at a time but this time they had to take 4 vials. I hate the way it feels when they change out the tubes. Ugh...it makes me sick to even think about it right now. LOL I have my favorite arm that they draw blood from. It was a little sore from being poked so much during the pregnancy test blood draws. She looked at it and said it should be okay to draw from it again. She stuck the needle in and it hurt a lot. I told her once that tube got done she needed to take it out and do my other arm. She switched arms and it was so much better. I think that vein has had it with being poked. Once we got done with our appointment, my husband had to go back to work and I told him I was going to go shop. I haven't been shopping for myself in a while. It was nice to have a couple of hours to myself to shop. While I was shopping, Jade called to talk about the contract. Her lawyer sent her the contract and she was reading it for the first time. She said that everything so far looked good and she was going to continue reading it. We talked a little bit about a facebook page she follows about surrogacy. Two surro moms within the same week announced how their IP's had the genetic testing done to their embryos and what gender they thought were transferring ended up not being that. One I believe thought she was transferring two girls but one ended up being a boy. We were shocked and amazed about that. It just goes to show you that you never know what can happen. I'm not getting our hopes up for a boy and I've actually been looking up girl stuff.

On Saturday, I went out with my cousin in law to have a spa day. She invited me to spend the day with her. I was so excited to have a relaxing day and to catch up with her. We had brunch at Sandy McGee's and then headed to the spa. It started off with facials, then massages, then mani and pedi. I couldn't thank her enough for inviting me and treating me. It was not only a relaxing day but it felt very good to talk to her about all that we've been through recently. When I talk to people about our journey it helps my healing process. She shared with me about a friend of theirs who is facing fertility issues. I asked her if she mind if I reached out to her friend. I sent her friend a message on facebook about fertility issues. I shared my journey with her, my blog address, and told her we should meet for lunch/dinner. I explained to her how I had someone reach out to me and I felt like I needed to return the favor by reaching out to her. She was very thankful and excited that I reached out to her. She has met with a fertility doctor but hasn't proceeded with any treatments yet. I did find out that she goes to my clinic but to a different doctor (which all the doctors are good). She has given her self a time frame and if she isn't pregnant then she will go back to the doctor to discuss further options. Everyday it seems like I find out about another person going through fertility issues. It is so common these days and it is something that no one should be ashamed of.

On Wednesday, I received a phone call from the FDA lab. They informed me that something went wrong with our samples and they needed us to go back to the doctor and redo them. We were not very happy about it all. I called my doctors office to talk to them about it and to reschedule an appointment. The nurse explained that the FDA didn't come to pick up our kit until Monday morning and we went into the doctor that Friday. By the time they received the kit in their lab, they considered it expired. My doctors office apologized and noted to the donor nurse not to make these appointments so late in the day anymore. I had to drag Mikie back to the doctor a second time for blood work. The nurse joked on the phone and said "Please tell Mikie to leave his guns at home." I busted out laughing. They all love Mikie to death and always give him a hard time. I was home from work and able to go up there that day. I drug Mikie in with me. We ended up staying at the doctors office for an hour just talking to the nurses. When you go into the doctors office as much as we do, the nurses end up becoming more like family. They all have been such amazing supporters throughout our journey. I couldn't imagine being at any other clinic.

At the beginning of this week, I had all day meetings on both Monday and Tuesday. We recently were acquired by a big corporation. We are learning the new ropes of the corporate world. We have been corporate but we never had such strict rules or compliance. It is a whole new ball game and a little stressful. I do have to admit that I love my new bosses and I'm looking forward to my future with them. They do have some plans for me with my position and I'm excited. I will be receiving a lap top where I can do some more work from home and not have to commute everyday. I've been a little down and out this week about all the baby stuff. I'm so excited about our next chapter with Jade but I still haven't soaked in everything from our last miscarriage. I do believe though that God had a plan. If we wouldn't have had a miscarriage the first time then our due date would have been in February. I would be on maternity leave during all these new changes at work. I don't think I could have handled a new born baby plus career changes. I don't think I could handle a 70 mile commute to work being pregnant either. I'm not pregnant right now and this week about killed me. I've been working long hours and I'm beyond exhausted. Even though I'm realizing all these small things it is still hard to swallow. I was going through my phone and came across my pregnancy test pictures and it upset me a little to think I would be around 8 to 9 weeks pregnant now. I was text messaging Jade today about it and she said it is a lot to take in and I cannot switch my feeling like a light switch. She also mentioned to me that while we don't know why things happen the way they do that maybe there is a deeper reason why I cant get pregnant. She said that maybe if I did get pregnant it would harm me or my child and that is why God isn't allowing us to be pregnant. She is correct. It is hard to see why things happen the way they do sometimes. I do not regret my decision to proceed with surrogacy. I'm actually anxious for it all to start. Jade hasn't started her period yet. She started working out and I know sometimes a new exercise routine can change your cycle. During IVF we always talk about sending each other different types of vibes. She cracked me up when she sent me a message asking me to send her blood vibes. LOL! She is so silly. I do have to brag about her....She looks amazing from working out. She will be the most fit pregnant woman ever! I've never met someone who enjoys being pregnant as much as she does. I know that this journey is going to be so different than her last one. We have a closer bond and she knows I will be at every appointment she has.

Now we are waiting for Jade to start her period. Once she starts her period, she will go in for her blood work. Her husband needs to get his blood work done too. They will put her on birth control until the blood test come back. We should finalize the contracts this week and I will have to turn in a copy to my doctors office before they will proceed with fertility medicine. Once she does start on the estrogen pills to build her lining, she will only be on it for 20 days. After 20 days, we will do a transfer!! Looks like it will be at the end of April and if for some reason things get pushed out then it could be as late as the beginning of May. Either way, we are READY!! Mikie already talks about when the baby/babies get here we are going to do this and that. He is so pumped and ready for it to start. I'm in awe of his faith and love. He has been the best partner throughout this tough journey. I thank God everyday that he chose me to spend the rest of my life with Mikie. Our marriage has grown a lot and I couldn't be more blessed. We both know that if for some reason we never have baby that it will not break us apart.

Thank you again to everyone who has reached out to us. Our support circle continues to grow and we cannot thank you enough for everything. Your kind words, prayers, and love mean a ton to us. Our child will be amazed by how much they are loved already.

Here are a few pictures from my week....

                  Autumn and I after our spa day!!!

                   A visit with my nephew Hutch!!

My fit Surro Mom. Mikie said she doesn't have a 6 pack she has a 12 pack lol. 

Love visits with my nephew! I try to visit him once a week! He is so handsome and a very happy baby! 

The Waiting Stage...

It's been a long week since my last post. I'm slowly recovering emotionally and physically from all the miscarriage and roller coaster of a journey. My body is detoxing from all the hormones I had been on. My butt is still really sore and there are still some hives from the injection. My stomach is still bruised a little bit from the blood thinner injections too. I do have to admit that I do not miss those injections at all. My cousin tagged me in on a video of a girl crying her eyes out about getting blood drawn. She commented how I use to be that little girl. I laugh now when I see people complain about getting shots/blood drawn or how sore they are from it. Trust me....I know how sore you are because those progesterone injections are no joke and I had to take them EVERY night. I use to be that person who hated needles and dreaded each shot but I've come a long way. I actually was packing up my left over medicine this past weekend. I usually donate the left over medication to my clinic so they can give it to another couple who needs help financially. I save the medicine that I use on each transfer so that I can use it on the next transfer. Well this weekend I packed up the blood thinners to donate back to my clinic. I don't need them and Jade wont need them. I packed away the progesterone and estrogen pills because I know she will need those. I was putting all the packaged needles in a zip lock bag and I was thinking how excited I was to no longer take those and how excited I am to hand them off to Jade! Sorry Jade! HA!

Over the last week I've really thought long and hard about the surrogacy route. Trust me this was not an easy decision to make but it was a lot easier to make when we picked Jade. I really wanted to experience the whole pregnancy and everything. I've really come to closure with that and I'm okay with not being pregnant. I told Mikie that I've consumed my life in the last two years trying to have a baby. I've really consumed a lot of my life in the last year with IVF. Each step along the way you have restrictions against working out and I pretty much stopped working out with my trainer. I stopped riding my horses and doing things that I loved to do. I looked forward to getting home during daylight savings to saddle my horse and ride. Horse riding is so therapeutic and it really could make my stressful day end just right. I looked forward to getting off work early to head to the gym to work out with my trainer. I had goals each week and I pushed hard to make those goals. I pretty much gave up on those two things to concentrate on a baby (which by no means do I regret). I told Mikie that I'm going to start doing things for me again and he agreed that I should. I'm going to start working out and I'm going to go back to riding my horses. I also laugh with Mikie and friends saying that I don't have to get "fat" now. I would never be that selfish and I would love to carry a child, but when you are faced with a different route you have to take the positives out of it. One of the positives is not gaining weight and ruining my figure as some people have told me. I swear I've had almost every person tell me how lucky I am to be going surrogacy for that reason. Some tell me how there is nothing that pretty about pregnancy. I've also had people tell me how much more I will be able to enjoy the new born stage because I wont be recovering from delivering. I've really taken those comments and looked at the positive and they are right. Trust me if I could get pregnant on my own and carry I would but the reality is that we must go surrogacy right now. I'm okay with that and will take those silly positive things and run with them. I will start back to taking care of my health and get ready for my new baby/babies. I do have to say that Mikie and I aren't giving up hope that we will never conceive on our own. Yes the doctor said there is only a 1% chance of us getting pregnant but I truly think that only God can determine that. When we least expect it I'm sure we will end up pregnant. And if we never do get pregnant...then oh well. It is what it is and what is meant to be will be.


On Saturday, I was talking with an old friend at a benefit over the weekend and she gave me a hug and told me she was sorry. While we were sitting there talking another person walked up to me and gave me hug and told me he was sorry. She said "I bet you get tired of people telling you sorry." I told her "No I really don't because people don't really know what else to say. People are only trying to express to me that they are sorry and they are thinking about us." She said "Do you get tired of talking about it" I said "No, I never get tired of talking about my journey. I feel like it helps me heal to talk about it. It's not always easy to get the words out because of my emotions but I feel like people need to know the inns and outs of fertility. I feel like it has been so hush hush for way too long." She explained to me how she sees my post on face book and she keeps up with my journey. She said "I know we haven't hung out in a while but I really still feel connected to you. I feel like when I read your blog that I'm apart of your journey. I think about you often and keep you in my prayers." I love hearing people tell me how connected they feel through my blog. I've had people tell me how detailed I am in my blog and that makes them feel like they are living my journey with me. All of my supporters are a BIG part of my journey because without all of you I don't know where we would be. The healing process through each let down is rough and its hard but its people like my supporters that make it much easier. It isn't easy putting all my struggle out there on the internet for the world to read but I thank myself all the time for doing it. It has helped me so much throughout the last half of my journey. I've reconnected with so many people and I've been a voice for those struggling fertility who don't have the courage to speak out. Yes we all have those "enemies" in life who love to read or hear stuff about our struggles because it makes them feel better about themselves. They would love to bash you and laugh about your struggle only because they are not truly happy with who they have become. But the reality is those "enemies" or "enemy" have a struggle within themselves and they are probably your number one fan on your blog or post. I see all the time on IVF pages people frustrated with family members or friends...sometimes you just have to withdrawal yourself from that circle of people and surround yourself with those who inspire you to keep pushing forward with your journey. I truly have the best circle of supporters!!!


On Sunday Mikie and I went out to dinner with Jade, Ryan and their son Hayden (aka my boyfriend). This was the first time that they had met Mikie because he is always working on the weekends. I was so nervous for this meeting because I know how my hubby can be. He forms opinions about people really fast and I was afraid for some odd reason he wasn't going to like them. I knew in my heart that Ryan and Jade are wonderful people but I wasn't sure if he would agree. We got to dinner and their little son was so excited to see me. He saved a special seat right next to him for me to sit in. He gave Mikie a very jealous look and was not happy about having to share me. HA! It was so cute. I could tell during dinner that Mikie was pretty nervous. I've never seen him that nervous in a situation before. I broke the ice talking about silly stuff and had everyone laughing at the table. When we got in the car he felt so relieved. He finally admitted that he was very nervous himself but felt relieved because he did like them. He did comment on how small Jade was and joked saying "Does she know what she is getting herself into carrying our big child" HA! After dinner we went to Kristina's house so that he could meet Hutch. Mikie was very excited to meet him but was very nervous about holding him. For some reason he thinks he is going to hurt a little baby but doesn't realize that they are a lot stronger than we think. He finally loosened up after a few minutes of holding Hutch. We had a nice visit with Kristina and laughed about how nervous the dinner was.


On Sunday night MY (haha..Jade) lawyer sent me over a copy of the contract. She asked me to look over it with Mikie and let her know if everything looked good. The contact ended up being around 30 pages long. I can honestly say that I read every single word on that contract. I didn't realize all the details that they put in a contact when it comes to surrogacy. Things you don't really think about are put in there just in case they arise during the process. I looked it over and sent her a message telling her to go ahead and forward it to Jade's lawyer. Mikie and I filled out our FDA questionnaire through our clinic. It is so crazy the hoops we are having to jump through for this surrogacy with our clinic because of FDA regulations. We already have the embryos and they are not taking anything from us but we still have to do blood work, physicals, and fill out the questionnaire. It is crazy but at the same time just extra precaution I guess. Jade filled out her questionnaire and now we are waiting on her cycle to start so she can go in for blood work. The clinic also has to schedule Jade an appointment for a counsel session to make sure she mentally knows what she is getting herself into. Once all the testing and screening is done then she should be able to start on medication. We are hoping to do another transfer in April or beginning of May. Jade and I text almost everyday about how excited we are and how we cant wait to start. She has been sending me pictures of pregnancy test and trying to resist the urge to purchase them. I told her to go ahead and purchase them. She said she is a pee on a stick aholic...and trust me I believe it! She begged me for DAYS to pee on a stick on my last transfer. I of course finally gave into her. HA! Now we are in the waiting stage....




I cannot wait until we finish the testing process and get dates in order. Since we do know that we only have girl embryos left....I cant help but catch myself looking at little girls that I see every where. We had two names picked out, one for a boy and one for a girl, when we were doing transfers in the past but now we have to think of another girl name. I told Mikie that we will probably change our minds a million times! HA! I know my sister is so excited for us to have a girl because she shops all the time. She started a "baby box" in the very beginning of our journey and guess whats in the box....ALL GIRL clothes. HA! She was determined for us to have a girl. Stay tuned for more exciting baby news to come! :)

Im not Super Woman

Sunday night I'm lying in bed about to go to sleep when my phone rings and it's Kristina. She tells me that her water broke and she is headed to the hospital. A part of me wanted to jump up and head to the hospital but I knew I had to be at work the next day. The next phone call was from her brother Ryan to tell me the same thing. I asked him, Momma Frances, and Paula to keep me updated. When I woke up on Monday she had not had the baby. Throughout the day everyone sent me text messages with updates. I decided to leave work early and head to the hospital. I was on the beltway and received a message that she was going in for a c-section. My heart sank because I knew that she always said she never wanted a c-section. I got to the hospital and the family was sitting in the waiting room. We sat around for another 15 to 20 minutes and then James came out of the OR with Hutch. He had tears rolling down his face and it was one of the most emotional things I've ever witness. Shortly after that the doctors wheeled Kristina out and down the hall to her room. Once they got her situated in her room they allowed us to come in. I walked in and she was shaking uncontrollably, very emotional, she was pale, and a little puffy from all the fluids. She was so excited to tell her mom that she did everything without being put to sleep or having any anxiety medicine. She was crying when she told her mom this which led to her mom crying. After the tears started coming down my face; I couldn't stop crying. I gave her the biggest hug and told her that I was proud of her and loved her. I gave her one more hug and told her I had to leave. She told me not to cry and she began to cry harder. I didn't want to stay there crying. I got into my car and bawled my eyes out. It finally hit me....I never gave myself anytime to grieve. I had not cried since Friday when I started bleeding and went to the doctor. I built this wall up and was trying to forget that I was even having a miscarriage. I went through the entire weekend like super woman and then it all caught up to me. It hit me in the hospital thinking that I could possibly never witness a moment like this for myself. I could possibly never have the chance to witness how excited my parents will be when they see my new born kid. It was also so scary to see Kristina shaking so bad from the epidural. I was also crying happy tears for her because I was so proud of her for staying so calm. I was so happy that Hutch was born healthy and weighed a good amount for being early. I had so many emotions running through me. I sent Mikie a text and told him I was on my way home and very emotional. When I got home he had a little present for me and had dinner ready. He told me "Babe I promise our day will be here soon. It's hard to understand but it will come." I explained to him that I had never been at the hospital when a baby is born and everyone starts tearing up. It was also sort of scary for me to see Kristina shaking and not looking like herself. It was emotional because I was truly happy for Kristina but at the same time reality hit me in the face. I started to think negative about my situation and I slowly started to let my wall down. I sent Kristina a text before going to bed and told her that I loved her and I was so proud of her. I told her she is always so proud of my strength and tonight she had proved her strength. Its crazy how something over comes you body when you are faced with certain situations.

The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train. I was emotionally exhausted and cramping so bad. I finally was passing the worse part of my miscarriage. I got up took a shower, put on make up and then I lost it. I told myself that I wasn't going to work. I really needed a day to myself and to really let myself pass through the emotions. Plus I was in alot of pain from the cramps. I crawled back in bed and went to sleep. Mikie asked me I wanted him to stay home too. I told him I would be fine that I just wanted to rest because I hadn't been sleeping through the nights. I rested most of the day. After I relaxed for a while I told myself that I needed to go back to the hospital. I didn't want to leave my last impression with Hutch as an emotional one. I wanted to go hold him and love on him. I also wanted to check on Kristina. I went up there and spent an entire hour just holding him and loving on him. I didn't feel emotional at all. I actually felt relieved. I told Mikie that it wasn't a jealousy issue of him being born or anything like that...it truly just an emotional/happy thing that I've never witness with anyone before. It was just a realization to myself also that I'm not super woman and eventually I have to let myself grieve about my situation. On a happy note, Hutch is so handsome, relaxed, and healthy baby. Mom and Dad are doing so well. They get to come home tomorrow. Yay!!!

Today the nurse called me to go over our next steps for Jade. I paid the retainer fee to the lawyer and finishing up paper work. We are waiting on Jade to start her cycle so the testing can begin. She has to give blood, get an ultrasound, uterine cavity check, and do a psychological evaluation. Ryan, her husband, has to do blood work as well. The nurse also informed me that Mikie and I both have to give blood too. I told her I didn't understand that part because the embryos are already made. She said she knew it didn't make sense but this was the FDA regulations and not the clinic rules. Mikie and I have an appointment on March 13th for the blood work. Once all of that is complete, then we will get started on medication. The nurse did confirm to mr that the only way she would get denied as my surro is if she didnt pass the psychological testing. Jade recently had a test in January for the last couple and passed fine. I dont really have any concerns and think everything will run smooth. Im so excited to get everything started. I can't wait til we transfer our little peanuts inside her. ;)

By the way...Jade started a blog. Feel free to follow her and see her side of the journey. We are so blessed to have her be our tummy mummy!!

Tummymummyjade.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I appreciate all the kind words, prayers, love and support. We are so excited about this next chapter of our lives. We are also so excited to have you apart of our journey as you follow us on our blogs. If you are interested in learning more or have any questions...please feel free to ask. No questions is TMI or stupid or is going to upset us. I know all of this has always been so hush hush. We are putting ourselves out here to educated everyone on IVF, fertility, surrogacy, and the day to day struggles of it all.

I Survived the Weekend - Next Chapter

Wow!! I had over 600 people read my last post. I had so many people sending me messages, commenting, texting me, and calling me. Your words of comfort, your compassion, your love, your support, and your prayers mean so much. It hasn't been an easy road by any means. I don't have this blog for sympathy but to give the world a view of what fertility issues are like. There is no pretty picture to paint....my blog is all reality and how it is. Tears, needles, hard decisions, money, laughter, lots of support, etc. I've been so thankful to have such an awesome support system. I've met so many wonderful ladies through IVF support system, I've reconnected with old friends, and my friendships have grown stronger with some people. I couldn't do it without all of you. Fertility is too tough of a road to go down alone. Mikie and I couldn't imagine doing it alone with no support, prayers, or love. We have so many wonderful people in our lives who help make it so much easier. Thank you from the bottom of hearts for everything. We could never thank you enough.

Well the day after I found out that I was having a miscarriage I had to cohost a baby shower for my best friend Kristina. She told me on Thursday when I got the first piece of bad news that she would understand if I couldn't make it on Saturday and wouldn't have any hard feelings towards me. She understood that I was an emotional wreck and may not want to be around baby stuff. I sent her a text back and told her I would be there. I already made a commitment knowing that I would get the results two days before. I couldn't miss one of the most exciting days of her life...her very first baby shower. Yes a part of me wanted to stay home in bed and cry all day but it wasn't going to get me anywhere. It wasnt going to change things as bad as I wished it would. I couldn't even sleep the night before the shower. I tossed and turned and so did Mikie. I would cry and then I would.be fine and then my mind would start going 90 to nothing just thinking and thinking. All I wanted to do was go back to Monday when my life was at such a good high. When I was pregnant and so excited. But reality is ....I'm not going back to that day and snapping my fingers is going to fix anything. I woke up early and dolled myself up for the party. I bought a new dress weeks before and was excited to wear it. As I was putting on my make up I looked into the mirror and told myself "You sure do have yourself together on the outside but on the inside you're falling apart". I sent Kristina a message and told her that I was on my way. I said I'm fine on the outside but breaking hard in the inside. She told me to get there fast and she would make me laugh. I arrived to the party early and help finish setting it up. I was keeping it all together pretty well. I did good throughout the whole party until a friend showed up. She gave me the biggest hug and whispered into my ear. The tears started flowing. I dried them up fast and recomposed myself. She knows my pain a little too well because she lost her baby far into her pregnancy. She actually gave birth to her baby that was dead. I couldn't ever imagine what she went through. She found out what caused it and has made some changes in her eating style. She plans on trying again to get pregnant but is so scared. We talked alot throughout the party about different stuff. It helped me to talk about it and get it off my chest. Once the party was over I hung out for a little bit. Kristina thanked me 100 times for coming and said she knew it took alot for me to do it. She said I've never have had a friend like you that thinks of others before yourself. Your strength is truly an inspiration to me and so many others. I was so happy that she was so thankful. I had so many people reach out to me on Saturday wishing me luck for the shower. Telling me that they know it was hard no matter how close her and I were and they admired my strength.

After her shower I went to my cousins 1st birthday party. I do have to admit that I was emotionally exhausted after the shower that I wasn't very friendly at the birthday party. I hung out with my Aunt Debbie most of the time because I never get to see her. I saw a ton of people that I knew but I just didn't have the energy to strike up conversation. If they spoke to me then I said hi but I just didn't feel like talking. I was glad that I made the effort to show up and see everyone.

Throughout this whole process I do have to say the biggest thing I've gained is STRENGTH. Before you would never be able to draw my blood, give me shots, or anything without tears. Lol. I've always been an emotional person who has worn my feelings on my sleeves to an extent but then I've been told that I can be a b*tch. I guess it just depends on who you ask. I know with loved ones I've always been emotional. It was one of the hardest things for Mikie to get use to when we first got together. After all that I've been through....I've gained alot of strength and things you think should upset me....I've very built a wall and try to push through. A friend contacted me the other day to tell me she was pregnant. She was so afraid to tell me because it wasn't the right timing in my life and she knew how hard I've been trying to get pregnant. I wrote her back and told her how excited I was for her and for not to be afraid to tell me. I'm not going to be upset or angry at someone who deserves to be a mom. I get upset and angry at low life people who pop out kids left and right and can't even take care of the ones they have. I told her that I thought she would be an amazing mother to such a deserving child. She wrote me back and told me "Wow not the response I thought I was going to get. You are so strong." I told her that yes I'm at a low spot in my life and I'm having a hard time with it but I'm not going to let my struggles make me selfish. She deserves to be pregnant no matter what happens in my life and I'm not going to be angry at her for being pregnant.

So everyone has been asking me how I'm doing.....I'm doing as good as I can. Its tough and emotional but I'm survive and I will survive. Mikie has taken it pretty hard as well. Its hard on him when that is all he has wanted since the day we got married. He said he never thought in his wildest dream that he would ever have to go through so much to have a child. He said you are raised how easy it is to get pregnant and how having a child early in your life will ruin it but then you get older and pay thousands of dollars and still can't have one. Its tough but we are going to make it through this journey.

We do have some very exciting news to share....we are going surrogate route. Kristinas sister in law Jade talked to me this weekend about being a surro mommy for us. She currently was signed up with an agency and had a couple she was signed up with. The agreement ended up falling apart right after my transfer. She told me that if I wanted to go that route she would do it for us but needed to know if she should stay signed up with the agency or not. If she stayed with the agency and found another family then it would be 2 years before she would be available for us. We wouldnt have made our decision so fast but I couldn't risk the chance of losing her as our option. Mikie and I talked long and hard about it all weekend. The doctor even told us on Friday it was the best route for us. We came to an agreement and Jade will be our surro mommy!!!  I've been in contact with the lawyer and working on the paper work to draw up the contract. It won't happen over night and there is alot of detail involved. I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time. Jade wants to blog about this surrogate experience because she didn't in the past. I told her go right ahead....my child will have so much to read and see how much they were loved before they were born. I will share her blog once she starts it. Jade feels like she has been getting so many signs about this next round. She is so excited and we couldn't be more blessed to have her in our lives. It truly takes an amazing woman to sacrifice their life for another couple. I couldn't imagine have anyone else carry our child. It will be our bun and her oven. Please say prayers for this next chapter of our lives. Its going to be so exciting!!!! And a big thank you to Jade and Ryan for sacrificing your lives for Mikie and I. Our baby is going to be so blessed in so many ways. Here is a picture of Jade and I from the shower. Yes she is tiny...everyone has made that comment lol. She loves being pregnant and pops right back to her size in no time.