Well the day after I found out that I was having a miscarriage I had to cohost a baby shower for my best friend Kristina. She told me on Thursday when I got the first piece of bad news that she would understand if I couldn't make it on Saturday and wouldn't have any hard feelings towards me. She understood that I was an emotional wreck and may not want to be around baby stuff. I sent her a text back and told her I would be there. I already made a commitment knowing that I would get the results two days before. I couldn't miss one of the most exciting days of her life...her very first baby shower. Yes a part of me wanted to stay home in bed and cry all day but it wasn't going to get me anywhere. It wasnt going to change things as bad as I wished it would. I couldn't even sleep the night before the shower. I tossed and turned and so did Mikie. I would cry and then I would.be fine and then my mind would start going 90 to nothing just thinking and thinking. All I wanted to do was go back to Monday when my life was at such a good high. When I was pregnant and so excited. But reality is ....I'm not going back to that day and snapping my fingers is going to fix anything. I woke up early and dolled myself up for the party. I bought a new dress weeks before and was excited to wear it. As I was putting on my make up I looked into the mirror and told myself "You sure do have yourself together on the outside but on the inside you're falling apart". I sent Kristina a message and told her that I was on my way. I said I'm fine on the outside but breaking hard in the inside. She told me to get there fast and she would make me laugh. I arrived to the party early and help finish setting it up. I was keeping it all together pretty well. I did good throughout the whole party until a friend showed up. She gave me the biggest hug and whispered into my ear. The tears started flowing. I dried them up fast and recomposed myself. She knows my pain a little too well because she lost her baby far into her pregnancy. She actually gave birth to her baby that was dead. I couldn't ever imagine what she went through. She found out what caused it and has made some changes in her eating style. She plans on trying again to get pregnant but is so scared. We talked alot throughout the party about different stuff. It helped me to talk about it and get it off my chest. Once the party was over I hung out for a little bit. Kristina thanked me 100 times for coming and said she knew it took alot for me to do it. She said I've never have had a friend like you that thinks of others before yourself. Your strength is truly an inspiration to me and so many others. I was so happy that she was so thankful. I had so many people reach out to me on Saturday wishing me luck for the shower. Telling me that they know it was hard no matter how close her and I were and they admired my strength.
After her shower I went to my cousins 1st birthday party. I do have to admit that I was emotionally exhausted after the shower that I wasn't very friendly at the birthday party. I hung out with my Aunt Debbie most of the time because I never get to see her. I saw a ton of people that I knew but I just didn't have the energy to strike up conversation. If they spoke to me then I said hi but I just didn't feel like talking. I was glad that I made the effort to show up and see everyone.
Throughout this whole process I do have to say the biggest thing I've gained is STRENGTH. Before you would never be able to draw my blood, give me shots, or anything without tears. Lol. I've always been an emotional person who has worn my feelings on my sleeves to an extent but then I've been told that I can be a b*tch. I guess it just depends on who you ask. I know with loved ones I've always been emotional. It was one of the hardest things for Mikie to get use to when we first got together. After all that I've been through....I've gained alot of strength and things you think should upset me....I've very built a wall and try to push through. A friend contacted me the other day to tell me she was pregnant. She was so afraid to tell me because it wasn't the right timing in my life and she knew how hard I've been trying to get pregnant. I wrote her back and told her how excited I was for her and for not to be afraid to tell me. I'm not going to be upset or angry at someone who deserves to be a mom. I get upset and angry at low life people who pop out kids left and right and can't even take care of the ones they have. I told her that I thought she would be an amazing mother to such a deserving child. She wrote me back and told me "Wow not the response I thought I was going to get. You are so strong." I told her that yes I'm at a low spot in my life and I'm having a hard time with it but I'm not going to let my struggles make me selfish. She deserves to be pregnant no matter what happens in my life and I'm not going to be angry at her for being pregnant.
So everyone has been asking me how I'm doing.....I'm doing as good as I can. Its tough and emotional but I'm survive and I will survive. Mikie has taken it pretty hard as well. Its hard on him when that is all he has wanted since the day we got married. He said he never thought in his wildest dream that he would ever have to go through so much to have a child. He said you are raised how easy it is to get pregnant and how having a child early in your life will ruin it but then you get older and pay thousands of dollars and still can't have one. Its tough but we are going to make it through this journey.
We do have some very exciting news to share....we are going surrogate route. Kristinas sister in law Jade talked to me this weekend about being a surro mommy for us. She currently was signed up with an agency and had a couple she was signed up with. The agreement ended up falling apart right after my transfer. She told me that if I wanted to go that route she would do it for us but needed to know if she should stay signed up with the agency or not. If she stayed with the agency and found another family then it would be 2 years before she would be available for us. We wouldnt have made our decision so fast but I couldn't risk the chance of losing her as our option. Mikie and I talked long and hard about it all weekend. The doctor even told us on Friday it was the best route for us. We came to an agreement and Jade will be our surro mommy!!! I've been in contact with the lawyer and working on the paper work to draw up the contract. It won't happen over night and there is alot of detail involved. I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time. Jade wants to blog about this surrogate experience because she didn't in the past. I told her go right ahead....my child will have so much to read and see how much they were loved before they were born. I will share her blog once she starts it. Jade feels like she has been getting so many signs about this next round. She is so excited and we couldn't be more blessed to have her in our lives. It truly takes an amazing woman to sacrifice their life for another couple. I couldn't imagine have anyone else carry our child. It will be our bun and her oven. Please say prayers for this next chapter of our lives. Its going to be so exciting!!!! And a big thank you to Jade and Ryan for sacrificing your lives for Mikie and I. Our baby is going to be so blessed in so many ways. Here is a picture of Jade and I from the shower. Yes she is tiny...everyone has made that comment lol. She loves being pregnant and pops right back to her size in no time.
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