Roller Coaster from Hell

I've had some people wondering where I have been on my blog. I'm going to update you on the past week or so of our lives. Its been crazy busy and very exciting and then BAM........

Last week I drove into work two days. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I worked from home. It was nice to break it up this time and not stay home the whole two weeks. It wasn't stressful or anything. I do have to say that I felt very nauseous and I started spotting a dark brown. I started to freak out a little bit and began to ask around to people who had been pregnant before. Everyone comforted me and let me know that it was normal and it was probably implantation bleeding. I still made a phone call to my doctor about it. He said it could be a number of things but one thing that crossed his mind was that Im on blood thinners. Sometimes a symptom of blood thinners is that you will get spotting. He told me if it increased or got worse by Friday to call him back. I tried to relax and not think about it but every little pain I felt would make me nervous. Thursday night and throughout Friday I didn't really have any more spotting but cramps really bad. My cramps were like menstrual cramps and my mind started to think the worse. I don't think I would have been freaking out so bad if I wouldn't have already experienced a miscarriage before. On Friday, I went out to Walgreens and bought an at home pregnancy test. A surrogate friend of mine kept begging me to take a test, the IVF facebook pages I follow were posting pictures of their test, and a girl I met through IVF kept telling me to do so. I decided to go out on my own and purchase the test. I came home and took it right away.  I didn't even wait to do it with my morning pee. I took the test and let it sit for 3 minutes. At first I only saw one line show up and my heart sank. I decided to walk out and come back to check in a little bit. When I went back I couldn't believe my eyes....it had TWO pink lines. I took a picture of it and sent it to my surrogate friend and asked her if this was real. She said you are PREGNANT. I said how accurate is this test. She confirmed that it was pretty accurate. I called Mikie and asked him if he was sitting down. He said "Yes, why?" I said "I'm going to send you a text" He said "Is everything okay" I said "Yes, call me after you get it" I sent him a picture of the pregnancy test and said "So we are doing everything different this time I couldn't resist to take a test on my own. All my IVF girls I follow did too so why not. We got two pink lines. We are PREGNANT so far!!!!!" Once I sent the text my heart sank... I was so afraid he was going to be mad. The last three transfers we NEVER took a pregnancy test at home. He never wanted to do that because he didn't want to get a false negative or false positive. I always told him I didn't think there was such a thing as false positive but I knew there were false negatives. If I wouldn't had been following all the IVF pages and been pressured by my sweet surrogate friend Jade...LOL...I would have waited the whole two weeks. He called me right away and said "How accurate is this?" I said "Well Jade said its accurate" He said "OMG I'm so excited" He immediately called his mom and told his Dad. He said he was very excited but he wasn't going to be extremely excited until we talked to the doctor. For the next two days I peed on a pregnancy test. Saturday morning I peed on one and compared it to Friday's test. Then on Sunday morning I peed on another test and compared it to the last two. Then on Sunday afternoon I went out and bought a digital one and peed on it Sunday night and it said pregnant. I was so excited. My mom teased me and said "How many test are you going to take" LOL

Over the weekend I ended up breaking out in hives on my butt from the progesterone injection. The last time I was on the injections I ended up breaking out after I got the negative pregnancy test and was told to stop the injections. I sent a text to my nurse with a picture of my hives. She said I was having a reaction to the medicine. Her phone ended up dying in the process of talking to her. I couldn't take the pain and needed to put something on it but wanted the okay from the doctor before I did. I called the after hour clinic and spoke to a nurse on call. She told me to take Benadryl and I told her that she needed to call my doctor. She was looking for his number and couldn't find it right away.  I wanted him to tell me exactly what to do. I already knew that I was possibly pregnant but didn't want to tell that nurse that. She got ahold of my doctor and he said I could put a cream on the area and I could take a Benadryl by mouth. I did both of those and made it through the weekend. On Sunday my nurse sent me a text and apologized that her phone died. She said Dr. Kim wanted to see on Monday to look at my hives. I was so scared to tell her that I took a test at home. I know that they don't really recommend you taking a pregnancy test at home and I didn't want her or my doctor to be mad. Everyone kept telling me that I'm not the first or only one who has taken one at home. I sent her a text and told her I did something bad this time.....She wrote back and said What did you do. I said I took an at home pregnancy test. She wrote soo.....what did it say. I sent her a picture of the test and she said OMG....you are preggo...I freakin knew it! LOL She told to have Dr. Kim check my BETA on Monday when I go in for my hives. I do have to say that I love my nurse so much. We have been so blessed to have such an awesome nurse during our journey. It takes a special person to be a fertility nurse and Vanessa at HFI Katy does it the best!!!

Monday morning I get up and get dressed to go to the doctor. I call the doctor and they told me that he was in surgery on Monday morning but he would like to see me at 1pm. I called work and informed them that I would be working from home. I was scheduled to work in the office Monday and Wednesday this week. My boss was fine with me working from home. I went into the doctor at 1pm. I got there and of course right away they want you to get your blood drawn. I've never walked into that office without getting my blood taken. As I'm sitting there about to get my blood drawn, Dr. Kim comes over to talk to me about what is going on. I tell him about the Hives and then I told him that I took an at home pregnancy test. He smiled and said "And....what did it say" I said "It said I'm PREGNANT" He got so excited and ran over to me to give me the BIGGEST and TIGHTEST hug ever. He said "OMG I'm so excited. I can sleep at night now." We all started laughing. I know he has been just as stressed as we have been with each transfer. He said since I took an at home test then he would go ahead and check my BETA. After my blood work, I went into the room so that he could look at my hives. He looked and said that the hives looked much better than they did on Saturday from the pictures. He told me since I did get a positive pregnancy test he wanted me to continue putting cream and push through these injections for the next few weeks. I was fine with that because we don't know what helped this time but something worked. I don't want to change anything up and risk the chance of losing the baby/babies. After the appointment, it was a waiting game for that phone call about the blood work. I still wasn't a 100% convinced that I was pregnant...LOL. I was staying positive but I was still on pins and needles. I got a text an hour later from my favorite nurse. She is currently working at a different location because they are short handed. She sent me a text to tell me that my levels looked GREAT seeing that I was taking the test 4 days early. I started bawling my eyes out...its FOR REAL!!! Shortly after she sent that message, Mikie called me to see if I had gotten any news. I was crying and he started freaking out "What's wrong, what happened" I said "We are PREGNANT it is for REAL and I'm just so happy. I'm crying happy tears." He was so sweet and comforting on the phone. I think he was ready to cry himself. He is very emotional when it comes to the baby stuff. I don't care how "manly" you claim to be, when you go through fertility issues your emotions come out. I sent out text messages and made phone calls to family to confirm to them that we were pregnant. They were writing me back laughing saying...you were for real already pregnant. HA! I don't know why I wouldn't believe the at home test but I just wasn't completely convinced. LOL The doctor said he wanted to see me again on our normal testing day Thursday, February 26th. He wanted to check my levels again and make sure they were increasing.

Wednesday I went into the office to work for my one day this week. I told them at work about our BETA test on Monday. They were all very excited for me. After work, I had my acupuncture appointment. Chris wasn't at the Woodlands location today so I saw Kelly. I told her I was pregnant and she was so excited. It has been a little over a week since I've been to acupuncture. I was a little nervous tonight because my stomach is so sore from the blood thinners. My stomach its still very bruised and sore. Tonight she put about 8 to 10 needles in my scalp....I'm not going to lie but that sort of freaked me out. HA! It was very relaxing tonight and I didn't feel like driving home after that appointment.

Mikie has been so sweet to me since we found out on Monday. Everyone was telling me that I need to stay in a bubble for the next 8 months and I wrote back "Don't worry, Mikie has already been wrapping me with bubble wrap". We went out to eat on Monday and he said "Watch your step, be careful, don't slip, etc." It was hilarious. Every night and morning he talks to my stomach and rubs it. On his birthday he told me that I had the best gift ever in my stomach. It just melted my heart to hear him say that. He is so excited and don't worry he has been pampering me. He doesn't want me to lift anything, he has been cooking all my favorite meals, and has been doing house chores that he doesn't want me to do. I'm not exaggerating or lying when I say that I have the best teammate ever. He is so supportive and is truly the best husband in the world.

We went to the doctor yesterday morning. I do have to admit that I was still pretty nervous. You really wont understand why unless you have been through a miscarriage. It is the scariest thing ever. Plus Mikie and I both know we have gotten pregnant in the past but we didn't make it very far. We decided to wait until yesterday to announce to all of our blog fans and facebook friends. Well we didn't get a phone call in the morning and I have to admit it made me more nervous. Everyone kept telling me to stay positive and not stress. I was sitting at lunch when I got a phone call from the doctor. My level looked so good on Monday and today it has dropped tremendously. The doctor didn't want to make the call that I was miscarrying yet. He told me to stay on medication and come back on Monday for more blood work. It was so heart breaking. I cried and cried and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I began to text a few people to ask for prayers. I needed all the prayers I could get. When I woke up this morning I was cramping pretty bad. I felt in my heart that the pregnancy was over.....sure enough....I started miscarrying the baby/babies today. I called the doctor and they asked me to come in for blood work. I just looked out the window the entire way to the doctor. I cried and then I gathered myself and then I would cry again. Mikie didn't know what to say and kept rubbing my back. He told me that everything would be okay. When I walked into the doctors office I just wasn't myself and the nurses could tell. I got my blood work done and didn't say a word. I went to the bathroom after my blood work and the doctor came over to talk to Mikie. I lost it in the bathroom but waited until the tears stopped to go back out. When I walked out the doctor asked if I wanted to talk. We went into his consultation room and we began talking. I told him I just didn't understand. I don't get it why it doesn't work. He didn't have the answers and that is what sucks so bad about IVF. He said there have been a few other patients in the clinic not his but other ones that had similar situation. They would make it to their first BETA test but then the second test would be negative or dropping. One lady tried nine times before it worked and another did surrogacy. Mikie told him that he knew where he was coming from because sometimes he can't figure out what is wrong with a vehicle in his line of work. Our Doctor is going to talk our chart over with some of the other doctors in the clinic to see if they see anything different. I told Mikie we could go to 100 different doctors but no one is going to see anything different. On paper my body is A+ but it just won't accept the pregnancy. Our doctor was fine with us getting a second opinion but I don't think that is the issue. My levels always look good, the embryos have been tested and tested, it's just me. When we left the doctor Mikie was stronger than me. I cried on the way home. He looked at me and said "No matter what the outcome is of your blood today, no matter what we do next try again or surrogacy..I back you 100% on your decision. Its hard to go through this because we are playing God and only God can give us what we want. I won't love our baby any less if we go surrogacy or adoption and I won't ever love you any less. I have everything with just you and I won't ever leave you. Im by your side to death." I bawled my eyes out and I said "I feel like a failure and I feel like I've failed you." He said "You arent a failure and you didn't fail me. I love you for you." Wow talk about emotional ride home. Talk about a huge difference in my husband when it comes to faith. I really feel like you go through battles for a reason. I have to stay we've grown so much as individuals and as a couple. No matter what the outcome we always have each other and that is all that matters.

We cannot thank all of our family, friends, and blog supporters for all of your love, thoughts, and prayers. We had a lot of people rooting and praying for us this time. I know it would have never been possible to make it this far if it wasn't for all of you! Even though we didn't make it to the point we would have liked..we still wouldn't have made it this far without your love, support, and prayers. I do believe in miracles and I do believe that everything happens in God's time. Please continue your prayers because our journey isn't over. We don't know what our next step will be...trying again with me or surrogacy but either way we need prayers. It will be a long road ahead of us but we will make it.

If you are reading this and you are still struggling with fertility issues....I truly feel your pain. I hope you take this post as strength and hope that your time will come and not as a let down. Don't give up!! It is hard and it isn't easy. I've cried lots of tears, I've had trouble understanding why everything happens the way it does, and I want to give up so bad. Its hard to turn to people who don't understand what you are going through. It is hard to see everyone else getting pregnant but you cant dwell on those things. You have to understand that not everyone will understand what you go through and that is okay.  Trust me none of is it easy and God wouldn't choose you to go through such a tough battle if he didn't think you were such a STRONG warrior. Fertility issues SUCK and I know that for a FACT. Keep your head up even though it is easier to say than to do. I send Baby Dust to you all and pray that your day comes. I believe everyone deserves to be a mom. Our day will come.

Tomorrow I am cohosting a baby shower for one of my best friends. She told me that I didn't have to come and she would understand. Its going to be tough but I'm going. Its not like she doesn't deserve to be a mom. She deserves everything and I can't let my struggle take over me and make me selfish. Yes I would love for it to be me pregnant and for it to be a baby shower for my baby but you know life isn't always fair. I'm not going to make her suffer because of my loss. I'm stronger than that and I'm a better person than that. I've had alot of people reach out to me about my strength. I've tried to show true strength through all of this. If there is one thing I did learn from my mom it is strength. I watched her battle through breast cancer for years with chemo and radiation. She was in and out of the hospital...she never gave up and she never had a pity party for herself. I take that characteristic from her to keep pushing forward and know that my day will come. Yes when I'm down and out I say stupid things like "I'm not meant to be a mom" "I'm a failure" "I'm want to give up" Yes all those things cross my mind but I don't think I would have pushed through all that I have if I wasn't meant to be a mom. One way or another I will become a mom. It may take thousands of more dollars, thousands of more tears, sleepless nights and etc but we will get there. I've never wanted so bad to hold a baby that I call mine, to hear a little mini me call me Mom, to have sleepless nights in a rocking chair, or canceling plans with a friend because all I want to do is play with my baby. All those things that you mom's complain about....I look forward to and I want so bad. When you can't find a babysitter the next time and you are mad your missing out with friends...think to yourself that there is someone out there who wants what you have sooooo bad. Dont take for granted what you do have.