Over the last week I've really thought long and hard about the surrogacy route. Trust me this was not an easy decision to make but it was a lot easier to make when we picked Jade. I really wanted to experience the whole pregnancy and everything. I've really come to closure with that and I'm okay with not being pregnant. I told Mikie that I've consumed my life in the last two years trying to have a baby. I've really consumed a lot of my life in the last year with IVF. Each step along the way you have restrictions against working out and I pretty much stopped working out with my trainer. I stopped riding my horses and doing things that I loved to do. I looked forward to getting home during daylight savings to saddle my horse and ride. Horse riding is so therapeutic and it really could make my stressful day end just right. I looked forward to getting off work early to head to the gym to work out with my trainer. I had goals each week and I pushed hard to make those goals. I pretty much gave up on those two things to concentrate on a baby (which by no means do I regret). I told Mikie that I'm going to start doing things for me again and he agreed that I should. I'm going to start working out and I'm going to go back to riding my horses. I also laugh with Mikie and friends saying that I don't have to get "fat" now. I would never be that selfish and I would love to carry a child, but when you are faced with a different route you have to take the positives out of it. One of the positives is not gaining weight and ruining my figure as some people have told me. I swear I've had almost every person tell me how lucky I am to be going surrogacy for that reason. Some tell me how there is nothing that pretty about pregnancy. I've also had people tell me how much more I will be able to enjoy the new born stage because I wont be recovering from delivering. I've really taken those comments and looked at the positive and they are right. Trust me if I could get pregnant on my own and carry I would but the reality is that we must go surrogacy right now. I'm okay with that and will take those silly positive things and run with them. I will start back to taking care of my health and get ready for my new baby/babies. I do have to say that Mikie and I aren't giving up hope that we will never conceive on our own. Yes the doctor said there is only a 1% chance of us getting pregnant but I truly think that only God can determine that. When we least expect it I'm sure we will end up pregnant. And if we never do get pregnant...then oh well. It is what it is and what is meant to be will be.
On Saturday, I was talking with an old friend at a benefit over the weekend and she gave me a hug and told me she was sorry. While we were sitting there talking another person walked up to me and gave me hug and told me he was sorry. She said "I bet you get tired of people telling you sorry." I told her "No I really don't because people don't really know what else to say. People are only trying to express to me that they are sorry and they are thinking about us." She said "Do you get tired of talking about it" I said "No, I never get tired of talking about my journey. I feel like it helps me heal to talk about it. It's not always easy to get the words out because of my emotions but I feel like people need to know the inns and outs of fertility. I feel like it has been so hush hush for way too long." She explained to me how she sees my post on face book and she keeps up with my journey. She said "I know we haven't hung out in a while but I really still feel connected to you. I feel like when I read your blog that I'm apart of your journey. I think about you often and keep you in my prayers." I love hearing people tell me how connected they feel through my blog. I've had people tell me how detailed I am in my blog and that makes them feel like they are living my journey with me. All of my supporters are a BIG part of my journey because without all of you I don't know where we would be. The healing process through each let down is rough and its hard but its people like my supporters that make it much easier. It isn't easy putting all my struggle out there on the internet for the world to read but I thank myself all the time for doing it. It has helped me so much throughout the last half of my journey. I've reconnected with so many people and I've been a voice for those struggling fertility who don't have the courage to speak out. Yes we all have those "enemies" in life who love to read or hear stuff about our struggles because it makes them feel better about themselves. They would love to bash you and laugh about your struggle only because they are not truly happy with who they have become. But the reality is those "enemies" or "enemy" have a struggle within themselves and they are probably your number one fan on your blog or post. I see all the time on IVF pages people frustrated with family members or friends...sometimes you just have to withdrawal yourself from that circle of people and surround yourself with those who inspire you to keep pushing forward with your journey. I truly have the best circle of supporters!!!
On Sunday Mikie and I went out to dinner with Jade, Ryan and their son Hayden (aka my boyfriend). This was the first time that they had met Mikie because he is always working on the weekends. I was so nervous for this meeting because I know how my hubby can be. He forms opinions about people really fast and I was afraid for some odd reason he wasn't going to like them. I knew in my heart that Ryan and Jade are wonderful people but I wasn't sure if he would agree. We got to dinner and their little son was so excited to see me. He saved a special seat right next to him for me to sit in. He gave Mikie a very jealous look and was not happy about having to share me. HA! It was so cute. I could tell during dinner that Mikie was pretty nervous. I've never seen him that nervous in a situation before. I broke the ice talking about silly stuff and had everyone laughing at the table. When we got in the car he felt so relieved. He finally admitted that he was very nervous himself but felt relieved because he did like them. He did comment on how small Jade was and joked saying "Does she know what she is getting herself into carrying our big child" HA! After dinner we went to Kristina's house so that he could meet Hutch. Mikie was very excited to meet him but was very nervous about holding him. For some reason he thinks he is going to hurt a little baby but doesn't realize that they are a lot stronger than we think. He finally loosened up after a few minutes of holding Hutch. We had a nice visit with Kristina and laughed about how nervous the dinner was.
On Sunday night MY (haha..Jade) lawyer sent me over a copy of the contract. She asked me to look over it with Mikie and let her know if everything looked good. The contact ended up being around 30 pages long. I can honestly say that I read every single word on that contract. I didn't realize all the details that they put in a contact when it comes to surrogacy. Things you don't really think about are put in there just in case they arise during the process. I looked it over and sent her a message telling her to go ahead and forward it to Jade's lawyer. Mikie and I filled out our FDA questionnaire through our clinic. It is so crazy the hoops we are having to jump through for this surrogacy with our clinic because of FDA regulations. We already have the embryos and they are not taking anything from us but we still have to do blood work, physicals, and fill out the questionnaire. It is crazy but at the same time just extra precaution I guess. Jade filled out her questionnaire and now we are waiting on her cycle to start so she can go in for blood work. The clinic also has to schedule Jade an appointment for a counsel session to make sure she mentally knows what she is getting herself into. Once all the testing and screening is done then she should be able to start on medication. We are hoping to do another transfer in April or beginning of May. Jade and I text almost everyday about how excited we are and how we cant wait to start. She has been sending me pictures of pregnancy test and trying to resist the urge to purchase them. I told her to go ahead and purchase them. She said she is a pee on a stick aholic...and trust me I believe it! She begged me for DAYS to pee on a stick on my last transfer. I of course finally gave into her. HA! Now we are in the waiting stage....
I cannot wait until we finish the testing process and get dates in order. Since we do know that we only have girl embryos left....I cant help but catch myself looking at little girls that I see every where. We had two names picked out, one for a boy and one for a girl, when we were doing transfers in the past but now we have to think of another girl name. I told Mikie that we will probably change our minds a million times! HA! I know my sister is so excited for us to have a girl because she shops all the time. She started a "baby box" in the very beginning of our journey and guess whats in the box....ALL GIRL clothes. HA! She was determined for us to have a girl. Stay tuned for more exciting baby news to come! :)
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