Im not Super Woman

Sunday night I'm lying in bed about to go to sleep when my phone rings and it's Kristina. She tells me that her water broke and she is headed to the hospital. A part of me wanted to jump up and head to the hospital but I knew I had to be at work the next day. The next phone call was from her brother Ryan to tell me the same thing. I asked him, Momma Frances, and Paula to keep me updated. When I woke up on Monday she had not had the baby. Throughout the day everyone sent me text messages with updates. I decided to leave work early and head to the hospital. I was on the beltway and received a message that she was going in for a c-section. My heart sank because I knew that she always said she never wanted a c-section. I got to the hospital and the family was sitting in the waiting room. We sat around for another 15 to 20 minutes and then James came out of the OR with Hutch. He had tears rolling down his face and it was one of the most emotional things I've ever witness. Shortly after that the doctors wheeled Kristina out and down the hall to her room. Once they got her situated in her room they allowed us to come in. I walked in and she was shaking uncontrollably, very emotional, she was pale, and a little puffy from all the fluids. She was so excited to tell her mom that she did everything without being put to sleep or having any anxiety medicine. She was crying when she told her mom this which led to her mom crying. After the tears started coming down my face; I couldn't stop crying. I gave her the biggest hug and told her that I was proud of her and loved her. I gave her one more hug and told her I had to leave. She told me not to cry and she began to cry harder. I didn't want to stay there crying. I got into my car and bawled my eyes out. It finally hit me....I never gave myself anytime to grieve. I had not cried since Friday when I started bleeding and went to the doctor. I built this wall up and was trying to forget that I was even having a miscarriage. I went through the entire weekend like super woman and then it all caught up to me. It hit me in the hospital thinking that I could possibly never witness a moment like this for myself. I could possibly never have the chance to witness how excited my parents will be when they see my new born kid. It was also so scary to see Kristina shaking so bad from the epidural. I was also crying happy tears for her because I was so proud of her for staying so calm. I was so happy that Hutch was born healthy and weighed a good amount for being early. I had so many emotions running through me. I sent Mikie a text and told him I was on my way home and very emotional. When I got home he had a little present for me and had dinner ready. He told me "Babe I promise our day will be here soon. It's hard to understand but it will come." I explained to him that I had never been at the hospital when a baby is born and everyone starts tearing up. It was also sort of scary for me to see Kristina shaking and not looking like herself. It was emotional because I was truly happy for Kristina but at the same time reality hit me in the face. I started to think negative about my situation and I slowly started to let my wall down. I sent Kristina a text before going to bed and told her that I loved her and I was so proud of her. I told her she is always so proud of my strength and tonight she had proved her strength. Its crazy how something over comes you body when you are faced with certain situations.

The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train. I was emotionally exhausted and cramping so bad. I finally was passing the worse part of my miscarriage. I got up took a shower, put on make up and then I lost it. I told myself that I wasn't going to work. I really needed a day to myself and to really let myself pass through the emotions. Plus I was in alot of pain from the cramps. I crawled back in bed and went to sleep. Mikie asked me I wanted him to stay home too. I told him I would be fine that I just wanted to rest because I hadn't been sleeping through the nights. I rested most of the day. After I relaxed for a while I told myself that I needed to go back to the hospital. I didn't want to leave my last impression with Hutch as an emotional one. I wanted to go hold him and love on him. I also wanted to check on Kristina. I went up there and spent an entire hour just holding him and loving on him. I didn't feel emotional at all. I actually felt relieved. I told Mikie that it wasn't a jealousy issue of him being born or anything like that...it truly just an emotional/happy thing that I've never witness with anyone before. It was just a realization to myself also that I'm not super woman and eventually I have to let myself grieve about my situation. On a happy note, Hutch is so handsome, relaxed, and healthy baby. Mom and Dad are doing so well. They get to come home tomorrow. Yay!!!

Today the nurse called me to go over our next steps for Jade. I paid the retainer fee to the lawyer and finishing up paper work. We are waiting on Jade to start her cycle so the testing can begin. She has to give blood, get an ultrasound, uterine cavity check, and do a psychological evaluation. Ryan, her husband, has to do blood work as well. The nurse also informed me that Mikie and I both have to give blood too. I told her I didn't understand that part because the embryos are already made. She said she knew it didn't make sense but this was the FDA regulations and not the clinic rules. Mikie and I have an appointment on March 13th for the blood work. Once all of that is complete, then we will get started on medication. The nurse did confirm to mr that the only way she would get denied as my surro is if she didnt pass the psychological testing. Jade recently had a test in January for the last couple and passed fine. I dont really have any concerns and think everything will run smooth. Im so excited to get everything started. I can't wait til we transfer our little peanuts inside her. ;)

By the way...Jade started a blog. Feel free to follow her and see her side of the journey. We are so blessed to have her be our tummy mummy!!

Tummymummyjade.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I appreciate all the kind words, prayers, love and support. We are so excited about this next chapter of our lives. We are also so excited to have you apart of our journey as you follow us on our blogs. If you are interested in learning more or have any questions...please feel free to ask. No questions is TMI or stupid or is going to upset us. I know all of this has always been so hush hush. We are putting ourselves out here to educated everyone on IVF, fertility, surrogacy, and the day to day struggles of it all.