Sunday was Mother's Day. A day that everyone with fertility issues dreads each year. It is so crazy how Mother's Day means something different to you as you get older. I never imagined dreading it and not wanting to celebrate it. I also never dreamed that I would have this much trouble trying to conceive my own child. I'm so very thankful for my mother and I do not know what I would do without her. She has put up with a lot of hell from me. I've tested her temper, talked back, and done everything she said not to do. Of course this was all in my younger years when I thought I knew everything. She survived and I survived. I hope that I'm at least half the mom to my miracle baby as she was to me. I just pray that I get to celebrate Mother's Day with my miracle baby next year. I truly believe that everyone is a mother at heart. Some women may chose to mother their animals, nieces/nephews, or their friend's kids. If you have ever lost a child in a miscarriage...you are a mother. It doesn't matter how long the baby lived in your womb...you are a mother. I found out that an old friend of mine just recently went through a miscarriage. As soon as I saw the post on facebook, my heart broke. I knew every single feeling she was experiencing. I knew exactly what she was probably thinking. You doubt yourself as a mother, you feel ashamed, you blame yourself, and you feel like you are a failure. The truth is, you are none of those things. We will never understand why we are chosen to go through certain situations. I do know that you find a strength that you never knew you had, and you will look at mother hood in a totally different way than someone else who didn't have a struggle. You have to remember that no matter how strong of a person you are...there will be days where you will break down and feel weak. It's part of the journey and part of the process. You can lean on faith and God all you want but some days you just break. Its okay to break down and feel all your emotions. I tried to be that person who would push away the tears, but I felt that only made it worse down the road. I finally came to terms with the break downs and would just allow myself to cry.
Mikie has been very shocked by the amount of people who have been experiencing issues. I explained to him that miscarriages, IVF, IUI, and all fertility issues have always been hush hush. Lately, more women are starting to come out and talk about their journeys. I think you should voice your journey and let others know that they are not alone. Our journey is nothing to be ashamed of. It is just like cancer or any other sickness. You are diagnosed and given options. Some don't come out so lucky with their options and some do. Speaking out helps you find others who are on the same journey as you. You find a support system that you never imagined having. Don't try to fight the battle alone because you are NOT alone.
The morning of Mother's Day Mikie woke me up and said "Good Morning, Babe. The dogs and I say Happy Mother's Day." It was so cute and thoughtful. He also had some roses on the table for me with a little balloon that said "Happy Mother's Day". No matter what, he always tries to make me feel important. I would have been perfectly fine with no flowers at all but he always out does himself. We got up and drove into town to take his mother out for lunch. We took her to Texas Roadhouse, her favorite place. The last time I was at Texas Roadhouse was for Mikie's birthday (back in February) when I was pregnant. I did very well at lunch and wasn't sad a bit. I kept thinking back to that night and all the excitement I had. I thought back to that whole week when I knew I was pregnant. I didn't break down and cry. I was content and very happy. I don't know why I miscarried this last time but all I do know is that I have Jade now. All I could think about is how I want this two weeks to hurry up and pass. HA!
I'm not good at waiting for results. My nerves and stress level has been high this week. My sister sent me a text message saying "All the odds are in your favor for Jade getting pregnant- she has done it before with no issues and she has a child of her own." I never looked at it like that and my sister is right. I've been keeping myself busy this week between house chores, catching up on Netflix show, and working late. I have a lot of faith for this round but I have to always prepare myself for the worse.
Well, I hope all you had a wonderful Mother's Day. If you are still struggling to conceive...DONT GIVE UP!! And remember that you are still a mother at heart. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, love, and support. I'm shocked by the out pour of love that Mikie and I have received. Our friends are throwing us a benefit in Sealy on August 15th. (We had to change the date since some stuff came up) We've had so many people reach out to us with donations for the benefit since the day it was announced. Mikie and I will never be able to thank you enough for everything. We truly have the BEST support system around. I don't know if I will post again before result day...depends on if I have anything to share. The next time you read my blog is should be RESULT DAY!!!!!!! I hope its a happy day!!
:)
My Flowers from the hubby and dogs! ;)
Kristina and I this past weekend
Auntie Tori snuggled with baby Hutch
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