The Fisher Journey: Time is Flying....

I have been MIA when it comes to my blog. It is much easier to update facebook with a quick little status then it is to sit down and write. I miss blogging and had to remind myself what helped me get so far in my journey....MY BLOG! So today I decided to go ahead and update it.

The past few months have seemed to fly by and fly by FAST! It seems like yesterday that our feet were dragging the ground and we were trying to find the energy to get back up. I remember asking Jade everyday if her belly had grown any and her favorite come back was, "Well, I have a food belly but not really showing yet." Now when I see her I tell her, "Awe, your belly is getting bigger and bigger. I love it." She would love for her belly to stop growing and not feel so miserable but for me it is a sign that my babies are getting BIG!

Lets back track to our 20 week anatomy scan at the MFM doctor. My mom and sister joined us for this appointment. We checked into the labor and delivery floor to pay our copay. They walked us down to the doctor where we waited to be called back. I was so anxious and nervous because it was our first time to see a "high risk" doctor. We get called back and like a herd of cattle we headed to the ultrasound room. They asked all of us to turn off our phones and said that we could not take any pictures. I was a little bummed about that but they mentioned that we would receive a CD of pictures afterwards. I was amazed at how different their ultrasound machine was compared to the OB's machine. The pictures were so clear and the babies looked so big but in reality they were tiny. The ultrasound tech spent about an hour on each baby measuring everything. It was so neat to see all the body parts and measurements. Once she was finished, she asked a few questions and left the room to show the doctor the results. One of her questions was, "Have you tested for down syndrome?" I answered, "No, we opted out of that test because we had the embryos tested." When she left the room, I immediately told everyone that something didn't seem right. The doctor came in and introduced himself and said our doctor wanted extra pictures of the heart. I looked at him kind of strange and he said, "When patients go through IVF we take extra pictures of the hearts." I was thinking to myself that this seemed like a line of B.S. but he just didn't want to tell me the real reason. He spent another 30 minutes on taking pictures of Zoey and Kinsley's hearts. We all sat in complete silence and my heart kept sinking into my stomach. I knew he was going to have bad news but I was trying to stay positive. Once he finished the pictures he pointed out two bright spots on the hearts and said they are soft indicators for down syndrome. I told myself, don't cry, don't cry, stay positive. The entire time I'm pep talking to myself his mouth is moving 90 to nothing. I can see his lips move but I'm not hearing much of anything besides the words down syndrome. I finally lost it and began to cry. I felt like my whole world was falling apart in front of my eyes. I wasn't crying because I was ashamed or embarrassed that my kids might have down syndrome. I was crying because all I could think about is the struggle they would have growing up in life. At that moment, I realized how much love I had for two babies who barely even weighed a pound. I realized how much your own feelings go out the door and all you care about is how they will feel, what they will go through in life, and how you want nothing but the best for them. He offered for us to do a blood test and Jade agreed we should do that to have peace of mind. She was very positive and believed that there was nothing wrong but thought we should still do the test to help us sleep better at night. My sister gave me a big hug and told me that no matter what the outcome, our children will be loved the same. Aborting them never crossed my mind because I felt that God would give me the strength to be a mother to down syndrome children. After all, he gave me plenty of strength to go through what I had already been through. For the next few days all I could think about is the test results. Even though the doctor said there was only a 1% chance they did have down syndrome, we haven't had the best of luck during our baby journey and I felt like our bad luck was going to rub off again. Mikie was positive and said they will be his little princesses no matter what. I swear those next few days I ran into more down syndrome kids than I have in my entire life. I couldn't help but smile when I saw them. My sister decided to google when she got home and she said she felt more at ease after she researched. She read online that the soft marker on the heart is not usually an indicator for down syndrome for Asians but she wasn't sure how that worked for Jade since the baby's DNA was ours. I wasn't sure either but felt even more at ease after my sister called to tell me that. Result day finally came and they said, "NO DOWN SYNDROME". I couldn't help but shed a few happy tears. Jade decided she would post a "happy" dance and post it on youtube. I swear that girl is crazy and I love every bit of her crazy! The same day we got the results, Dr. Kim called to talk to me. He had been out of town and wanted to talk to me about the news we received. He told me the same exact thing my sister had researched about Asians. I was so happy that he took time out of his hectic day to talk to me. I'm no longer under his care but he continues to keep up with our journey. He continues to reach out to me and answer any questions I have. I sure do miss going to his office and I miss having him as our doctor. If he could deliver our babies then I would definitely have him as our doctor. HA!

We've had a few OB appointments in between and everything has been great. They were pleased with the results from the anatomy scan and said the twins looked great. We were sent back to MFM for one more follow up appointment. When we went this time, the ultrasound tech had more personality and explained everything. She said she would grade our twins as an A and wished that all the twins were this perfect. Zoey and Kinsley are growing together and neither one of this is too big or too small. Zoey is approximately 1lb 7oz, which puts her in the 53rd percentile, with a heart rate of 139bpm. Kinsley is the chunkier little monkey, measuring approximately 1lb 9oz, 69th percentile, and heart rate of 149bpm. Both of those bright marks were still present on the hearts, but we can know with confidence now that it is nothing to be concerned about since the blood screening came back normal. I walked out of that appointment with a huge smile on my face. My babies are HEALTHY.

Jade has had a few extra things happening to her body over the last month or so. She has a lot of pressure in the pelvic area giving herself what she calls a "puffy taco" bahahaha! She also has a few busted blood vessels and feels like her body has defeated her lately. It is proving to be the most difficult pregnancy that she has experienced....of course because she has never been pregnant with twins. I feel so bad for her when she is at her weakest moments because if I could take the pain from her I would. She feels bad for having weak moments because she knows how bad I wanted to experience pregnancy. We sort of balance each other and work great as a team. She has agreed that her next surrogacy she will only allow them to transfer one embryo. She accepted the challenge of twins and can mark this one off her bucket list! She is apart of a huge surrogate family and they share a lot of maternity clothes, bands, stories, etc. She was given the cutest twin pregnancy shirt with two babies peeking through. Another surrogate passed down two belly bands for her to start wearing. The doctor recommended her to start trying to wear the band at least 3 hours a day to help with the pressure. She also started going to a chiropractor and it is helping her a lot. It help flipped the babies back to head down...boy was she excited about that. We also had a girlfriend from high school donate all of her super CUTE maternity clothes to Jade. Thank you again, Cassi Malota! I know it made Ryan happy that she isn't wearing yoga pants everyday! HA!

On Saturday, we had our 3D/4D ultrasound. It was so neat to have all of our family there to witness it all. Zoey and Kinsley have their daddy's lips and their mommy's chubby cheeks. I've never been into 3D/4D ultrasound but it kind of hits you a different way when it's your own baby/babies. Zoey was a picture hog and didn't want us to get any of Kinsley. She kept putting her hand in Kinsley's face and she had her legs wrapped around Kinsely's neck. They are in two separate sacs so they technically cannot touch each other but pretty close to it. Kinsley's head is right underneath Zoey's chin. They don't have much room in Jade's tiny body but they are making it work. During the ultrasound, they sure were kicking a lot and Jade would blurt out "Ouch". I swear they are going to come out kicking and fighting....I have no clue who they will get that from. HA!

After the ultrasound, we went to buy the baby mattresses for the cribs and went home to put them together. The room is painted and cribs are put together. We have our first baby shower this weekend in The Woodlands for all my work friends. It is getting closer and closer!!

I have to admit that I've had all sorts of emotions running through my head. I'm scared to death about becoming a mother and I don't know why. I feel bad for having all of these emotions and even saying it because I've wanted nothing more than to have a baby of my own. Everyone teases me about how they would have loved to have a surrogate mother and not have to deal with the pregnancy. I cant help but agree sometimes because pregnancy doesn't look like a bed of roses all the time but it's hard not experiencing it all too. I have not slowed down one bit.....I'm constantly on the go, have my few alcohol drinks at dinner, shopping til I drop, etc. I don't feel like I'm about to be a mom and that is what scares me. My life is going to instantly change one day and of course for the better but its going to be a shock. If I was pregnant, I would slowly start slowing down because I would be a big whale. LOL. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be a good mom, I wont be able to handle twins, wont be able to function on a few hours of sleep (because believe me I need my sleep), etc. I know I'm going to be able to handle it all and it's exactly what I signed up for but I'm scared to death. I wouldn't be as scared if it was only one baby but the twin thing has me a bit nervous. HA!

In between all the doctor appointments we have celebrated Hayden's 6th birthday and Jade's 25th birthday. We also had a little scare with Grandma Helm (Kristina & Ryan's grandma) but she seems to be doing a lot better. She has her days but overall she is a fighter. She is so anxious for Jade to have the twins and asks about them all the time. God is so good!!

Last week we went for Jade's glucose test and unfortunately she found out Monday that she failed it. We go back on this Friday for the three hour test. Please say a ton of prayers for her that she passes. She failed her glucose test with the last surrogacy but the three hour test she passed. We are hoping that she passes on Friday. She has been a little down and out about it but I know she is a fighter!

After spending a weekend talking and debating on what to do, I've decided to take a voluntary lay off packet at work. My last day will be on December 4th and I will stay home with my baby girls for a little bit. It was a very hard decision to make because the prime time in my career and my babies came at the same time. My job had big plans for me and I was excited to learn more and be promoted but being 70 miles away from home is not ideal when you have kids. I know my work is a little disappointed that they are losing me but they completely understand my position. I spent a week debating back and forth, crying a few tears, and finally realizing I'm making the right choice. I've had a job since the age of 14 and its going to be weird not working. I know I will have plenty to do with my girls and I'm excited to be able to stay home for a little bit. I won't stay home forever but going to enjoy a little break while I can and spend as much time as possible with Zoey and Kinsley.

Here are a few pictures from the last few appointments.....